Now you think pockets are useful but they’re bloody not. Especially coat pockets, they’re just a haven for all the shite you haven’t thrown out yet, receipts, bus tickets from 1986, slightly soiled tissues that still have a single virgin corner, keys that you’ve forgotten which lock they’re for, that leaflet that some geezer gave you in the street that you decided not to dent his self-confidence by dropping on the pavement etc. etc.! They weigh you down so much as to give you that Isosceles triangle look when you walk. And then women use them as a handbag annexe so you end up with 2 phones and two wallets and 2 packets of fags (but only ever one lighter which is yours because “I don’t need a lighter because you light my fire darling” ho bloody ho!) And she’ll only buy Marlboro Lights when she knows you hate them and then spread them liberally around her mates who “don’t smoke really” and finish off the evening smoking all your Camel. The only alternative is to stuff half of your paperwork into your wallet which makes you look like you’re tooled up if you put it in the breast pocket of your coat, or look like you have a hernia if you put it in your jeans -of course if it’s heavy enough with all the small change from the “Sorry, love haven’t got any fivers” lady who evidently hasn’t heard of the £2 coin either then if you don’t have a hernia you’ll soon get one. The other alternative is a Manbag… and let’s be serious, no, not unless you can mince like a good’un. And I’m not being homophobic here, there are gay men who cannot get away with a Manbag just as there are camp straight men that can. But you do have to wear garish clothes be able to camp it up at a moments notice and be able to hold discourse on why you went for the Prada one rather than the equally pricey Lacroix.

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