I was expecting my housemate to be in tonight for me to be able to have a rant but he isn’t about so I’m gnashing my teeth here and getting pissed off. I need a cig. I mean since I gave up there’s been an awful lot of shite to deal with, now I originally thought that I was simply perceiving that there was more shite but no things are going wrong and I’m not chuffed. There are certain things on the home front that I can’t really go into but they aren’t helping, I’m spending too much money on the car and with things going wrong it’s eating up what little surplus there is. I’m really at a bit of a loss as to how to get round this one.

Then there’s the personal front -I’m not happy with myself at the moment, I am congenitally lazy and whilst my motivation has gone up a little since starting the new job I still haven’t quite settled into a work routine and I’m too content to piss about. I can’t seem to settle myself at all there are many things I want to do but I can’t get myself into gear. My appearance is still bugging me, I’m not getting any younger and like the smoking I need to get a handle on the weight thing but again it’s having the will to follow through with any excercise plan or food regime. I guess at the end of the day I’m just not happy and I should be at least a little more content, things are going better but they’re not going as well as I’d like. That being said I don’t know if I can really be happy with anything, the holiday was a prime example I enjoyed it but spent far too much time looking at when it was going to end.

This is a real problem, once the bravado slips what is left? I’m a flawed character as are we all, I’m under no illusions there but my flaws seem to stop people getting close to me, I don’t just mean romantically, I’m worried about the friends I had and lost, I try to stay in touch with people but they all drift away. I’m not in contact with anyone from school nor college nor any of my old work places and there have been plenty of those. My best mate is the only friend I have who’s known me for more than a couple of years. Sorry this is all rather self-absorbed but I need to release it, I’ve been worried about this for some time because I am not a loner I need social interaction, I mean I have verbal diarrhoea that’s not really a solitary activity. So why, I genuinely don’t understand if it was something tangible that I could see that was down to me fair enough but I don’t see it, it’s the same on the romance side tho’ I’m not going into that because it’ll just degenerate into woe is me etc. etc. My problem is that Ithink too much, I put too many variables on things and I’m afraid I just can’t read women, some men say they can I don’t know whether it’s true or they’re bullshitting but I can’t and I lose my nerve too easily. I did go thru’ a time where I actually decided look fuck the ‘what if’ feeling just take the plunge and if it goes down in flames you’ll live so I asked a really good friend out and predictably got the knock back and that basically spelt the end of the friendship and then I thought I fucking knew it why did you listen why didn’t you just let it go. Aaaaaaaah I said I wasn’t going to do this, too much openess is not a good thing.

Am I after too much in life, should I be satisfied with what I’ve got which is by global comparison is plenty. That, however is an accident of birth it is not earnt and I do not have what I have based on any specific merit and perhaps it is this point that makes it lose both its authenticity and enjoyment, no that’s too deep and I’m not quite that deep a person. There must be more to it on a shallower level than that but I can’t quite pinpoint it. I get the feeling that sometimes there is just one thing that if I could figure it out might mark a changing point. I mean there’s real will every now and again to do things and stop just coasting through life. For someone so haunted by the sense of death and the lack of anything after it I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time doing fuck all, it’s all very well for me to be glib about it but this concerns me and I appear to have been powerless to affect any significant change.

So here I am an overweight leftie hippie born 20 years late for my musical tastes, 25 years too late for my politics and in the wrong country for my roots. I want to write but I don’t have enough confidence in my own ability, and I can’t write what other people want because I’m not good at doing bidding. So I while away the time in my own little universe writing blogs as a substitute for real life and having 3 totally seperate lives every day that hardly cross over into one another ever.

What do I want? I don’t fucking know, sometimes I feel some clarity and other times I reappraise things and can’t come to a concrete decision at all. So we go back to more basic factors, needs -I need to communicate that is without question and it has to be both verbal and written, not that I feel I have anything that staggering to say, that’s a lie if I’m truthful there is deep-down the belief that perhaps I could be the next revolutionary thinker from the left! I need love and by that I mean all senses like CS Lewis refers to -the love of family, the love of friends and erotic love (Lewis mentions a 4th but I can’t remember what it was) My family are very important to me as are my friends, I am usually a very loyal person perhaps this comes across as too intense in the modern world, people seem often very transient these days, as for eros it’s never really been my strong point I seem too adept at screwing things up, that’s not to say I don’t have occasional success actually when I succeed I do quite well or so it seems at first.

Enough this is too much if I go further then it’ll be too raw to publish it and self-censorship and self-loathing are not good bed fellows. Thank Christ this is too long for people to wade through all this and if you’ve got this far you’ve skimmed -forget it all it’s not worth it. Fuck it I’m going to bed.

Original Comments:

Lizard Breath made this comment,
please don’t be so down on yourself, as someone once told me (I believe it was…um….YOU) look lively upon yourself, then will others.
lewis’ four loves: affection, friendship, eros & charity — of which it seems you will be the master of all.


comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-19 08:10:13’} GMT+01

ale2000 made this comment,
hey redbaron
definitely keep your head up through things. i can relate to a lot the feelings you are having though. i think it’s natural. as for the exercising- i started getting back into it but also need to keep on a regime. it definitely helps your mood because of the endorphins- so i’d say the sooner the better. if you want encouragement- let me know. setting up a schedule is the hardest thing!
as for love and understanding women…you know i could chat about this for days! but i definitely don’t think you should blame yourself for the past relationships because it’s usually both people that have some blame.
as for smoking…funny enough, i’m not really a smoker but i do know that a few months ago i bought a pack and just felt so terrible. i only smoked a few- but they really are killers so try to shift the temptation to something more positive and healthy if you can.
comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-19 08:48:16’} GMT+01

Katie made this comment,
Feel a bit guilty now for my latest escapades after reading that. You shouldn’t worry about sharing what’s going on though, it’s good for you, I’ll tell you something since I started (and you’re well aware just how open I am in my blog) I actually feel generally a lot more positive. As for the appearance stuff, what are you so worried about? You’re still young and as for the overweight thing you really should stop thinking about it so much. Maybe start smoking again? (sorry bad me, shouldn’t encourage naughty behaviour) If it really matters to you that much then may I make the suggestion that you perhaps cut the hair off? It may seem harsh but pony-tails aren’t a good look, I somehow have this image of you looking a bit like meat-loaf (somebody stop me, I may be getting offensive now). The point being that once you feel more confident in yourself the rest will follow through, your age and height are the only things that you can’t change and they are very positive (you know I mean that given what I’ve been up to). Your third paragraph-I feel EXACTLY the same. No men really understand women that’s what you like about us. The only thing to do is to get advice from female friends, or there are several of us here for you it seems.
Stop separating your different worlds so much, when you say 3 lives, I’m presuming that you mean work, home and here. They’re easy enough to combine, you just need to stop being so paranoid ansd defensive. What if say one of the women who reads this turned out to be from the same town as you and you never knew, you could be throwing away a real chance of making something of it.
Anyway I’m going on a bit, I hope this all makes some sense. Big kiss to make you feel better
Visit me @ http://screamtoasigh.blog-city.com

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-19 15:02:54’} GMT+01

Katie made this comment,
I forgot the most important bit, no way are you a smashing pumpkins fan….coincidence is a strange thing.
comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-19 15:04:53’} GMT+01

Shane made this comment,
Its refreshing to see someone feeding off their emotions. It was good reading, painful, but good.
If you wanna be a writer then you have to write. keep going.
Visit me @ http://thegagreflex.blog-city.com

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-19 19:11:54’} GMT+01

A visitor made this comment,
who shot the red baron? the true story
Channel 5 wed 19 may 8.00 pm
couldn’t see a blog board so left this message here.

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-19 20:08:29’} GMT+01

Bob Red made this comment,
Chin up mate,
sometimes life slows down for us to take stock of the situation. Sometimes we move on, sometimes a fresh start does us good, other times we find it hard to settle. It may well be that in years to come things really take off and then you will look back at this point and think of it as the beginning of great things instead of the proverbial limbo you currently feel that you are in. Oooh i feel like one of those head teachers giving out an assembly speech! I know many things are easier said than done.
I, like many people some of which may have read your blog have at least one time or other been in the same situation as yourself. how you got there is unimportant, how you get moving again is what really matters. There is always a way, although you might not see it at present… life is funny like that.
one other thing about writing mate, when you say you cant write because you cannot do bidding, well if you think back hard enough remember those early days when you did the rants about the road users after reading my public transport rant? Inspiration to do that is not much different from a publisher giving you an outline for a story and you going off and writing it?
From what i have read on your site and for what its worth, I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOUR ABILITY.
Now get out there and kick some ass!! 🙂

From one red to another…
Hope it all works out


comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-19 22:01:09’} GMT+01

The Skunx made this comment,
Get over it weakling.
Wanna quit smoking, quit smoking.
Have some resolve, some will power.

The way I quit was to just be too fucking stubborn to let cigarettes beat me.

All bow down before me, I AM YOUR GOD!!!!


Visit me @ http://1mansview.blog-city.com

[Redbaron responds -I have quit smoking, that’s the point! As for the God thing, yes well let’s see some burning bushes then, and can we have a crucifixion?!]

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-21 13:53:21’} GMT+01