I don’t fucking believe it, I wrote most of this blog earlier and then took a break during which time I watched ‘Cutting It’ and what fucking song did they play? (Hint -read the title) not only that they played only the actual bit that I’d quoted. It’s just endemic of the way today has gone what with me having to change my fecking wheel at Leicester due to another flat tyre. Anyway here’s the blog:

“I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour,
but heaven knows I’m miserable now,
I was looking for a job and then I found a job,
and heaven knows I’m miserable now.
In my life oh why do I give valuable time,
to people who don’t care if I live or die?”

Another stolen title, but an apt one nonetheless I put the lyrics in because in light of recent events they seemed appropriate, I did have one too many on Sun and I chatted and blog commented with wanton abandon. Sobering up is such sour sorrow! Anyone got any spare seratonin? I’m afraid it’s another particular time of the month when things look less than rosy and I struggle to keep a cheery disposition. I’m afraid I’m not writing this one in German because I’ve already done that so it’s back to English. I have been on and off a right miserable sod of late, well there you are that is rather who I am, I have good periods of quite frenetic activity where I feel optimistic and productive and then it falls away for a bit and I get rather low. The only advantage of that is that it can sometimes lead to some quite productive work because such writing is often the only vent I have as a kind of pressure release valve. The reason for the current moribund behaviour is that my pay check is in -now this should surely be the time of pleasure but sadly not, mainly because it means once again I have to try to figure out how to navigate a £100/month deficit between the money I have and the money I need. Every month it requires something else and thus far I have managed to avoid crime, this may only be a temporary solution! Ebay is getting rather trying but it’s the usual fallback.

You see I go through stages where when my back is against the wall I have an inherent belief that things will sort themselves out, every so often tho’ something says yeah but how and when? Since you have seen/read pretty much a month in the life of the Baron you’ll find that 3-4 days down is rather common- it’s rarely less and only occasionally more, I should feel better tomorrow but today I wallow. It’s funny you get that slight knot in your stomach when you see all the things stacked up that you somehow have to sort out and in my case being depressed means bouts of extreme lethargy I mean I can hardly drag myself off the sofa/bed. I am however quite good at putting a public brave face on it but this is my blog so no mask required. I know there are others out there feeling the same, overwhelmed with what life is currently throwing your way, in a sense it is at least comforting to know that you’re there, not in a schadenfreude sense but it makes you realise that life can just be a bit shit sometimes it’s nothing personal. I am after all in this situation because of my own decisions and own mistakes, there is no destiny it’s down to me and those who direct influence over me, mostly I’ve tried to make the decision I know was the right one at the time, it’s not always been an easy one and I’ve not always taken it but then who does?

My friendly blog reader I am not being especially fair to you I admit there are certain things you do not know and this would allow you to build up a better picture, I will enlighten on these points when I am comfortable with any possible consequences that may arise, as my blog goes on I am aiming to gradually break down all the barriers that we build up in day to day life and I’m sure I shall feel a substantially more liberated person for doing so. In the meantime get yourself a cup of tea and chat with me a while.

What is it about misery that can lead to such fluent self-obsession? On many occasions we can be struggling to find words or finding ourselves writing nonsensical tripe but find someone who’s a bit down and they can wax lyrical with the best of them. Granted I am not usually someone stuck for things to say I find it far harder to shut up than to speak but I do get stuck sometimes for something original to write or to best express what I’m feeling, not in this mood tho’.

It annoys me intensely that I have to spend so much time thinking about money and how to survive when I’m not a really money driven individual. Materialism has a certain hold on me but in a hollow capacity I hoard stuff that I don’t even enjoy or use and yet to do anything about it would require a personality transplant or some good electroshock therapy to kick the inner sloth out. I am congenitally and genetically lazy it is something I inherited from my Dad -he admits it, and my own DNA has refined it to an almost pure form! I know I’m a stupid bastard it just takes a bit of willpower to get yourself up and about but I’ve said before smoking was easy compared to this, I only smoked for 17 odd years but I’ve been a lazy oaf for over 30 years.

I took a walk in the rain today, I often do that when I’m feeling morose it doesn’t brighten my mood but somehow feels like a good thing to do. When I’m in this sort of mood I feel like the Strand man standing in the rain leaning against a lamppost in a 3 piece suit with a trenchcoat and trilby on, right hand in trouser pocket and left hand holding a cig, just watching the world go by in sad reflection. “You’re never alone with a Strand” Big John will remember it, I only know it from the legend, my Dad told me about it when I was young, that advert stopped the sales of those cigs overnight because the perception was that if you smoked Strand you didn’t have any friends! But I feel empathy with the character it’s probably what I’d be doing if this were 50 years ago.

Sometimes being on a University campus is a good way to spend a job, there’s a lot going on and people milling about and youth in the air. And therein lies the problem, there is something about a large amount of cheerful boozing youth that is not condusive to recovering from a bad mood! Then again I don’t suppose a group of cheerful boozing crusties would do much to lighten my spirits either!

This is the parlous state that human beings get into when deprived for too long of tenderness, now this is also where I see certain things that are inherent and others which are not, I can go without greed for a long time but going without compassion and tenderness actually has a detrimental effect on your inner peace. Genuine tenderness is really surprisingly hard to find, you can be in a relationship or not in a relationship it makes no difference, you can have plenty of sex or none at all that doesn’t have a bearing on it necessarily either. The simplicity of the emotion is such that the act of giving and reciprocating tenderness is a tough one to beat. Most people have a story about staying up late chatting about anything and everything with someone they cared about not necessarily a lover, it is one of those times that we look back on with the same sort of fondness as childhood moments. When we are young we explore our emotions more and we are more prepared to do something just because it’s nice, we lose that when we get older, there’s always something else to do, or something we are trying to avoid doing, not enough time, not enough money, not enough love. Sorry old hippy alert! Ah for 1968 again, since I wasn’t around the first time.

Song of the Day ~ Guess!

Original Comments:

Rachel made this comment,
isn’t it funny how many stupid things we do when we’re little that we look back on later and appreciate when and why we did them?
comment added :: 2nd June 2004, 17:14 GMT+01
Bob Red made this comment,
Mister Baron,
It has been removed (nudge nudge wink wink, say no more)
well spotted mate!

Visit me @ http://bobred.blog-city.com

comment added :: 2nd June 2004, 20:40 GMT+01
The Leftist made this comment,
The LBA has a new site location please check TheLeftist.blog-city.com for more info
Visit me @ http://theleftist.blog-city.com

comment added :: 2nd June 2004, 22:51 GMT+01
Rachel made this comment,
the whole “if there is no god there can be no magic” theory. i’m afraid i only fit into half of that. i don’t believe in god, i have never believed in god, but i believe very much in precognition, and telepathy, and that fate is somewhat planned. maybe not everything, which is where free will comes into play, but there are cross roads that we have to come to that are set in stone. i wish i could believe that no one has to control it. that it’s just…there.
comment added :: 3rd June 2004, 01:43 GMT+01
kevin g made this comment,
Don’t know if this is much in the way of empathetic understanding/consolation, however, I was listening to The Smiths “The World Won’t Listen” last night whilst reading A. Crowley’s “The Book Of The Law”, and thinking about fleeting monies, feeling cast out of the rat race, and responding to an e-mail from a very close friend, who decided to use last night, and tonight as open-ended occasions for him to sit at home, with a case of beer, and listen to music and ponder on how much he thinks his life sucks. And I’m no better, except I’m not doing the drinking thing. I guess the point I’m tryin’/attemptin’ to make, is that there are more alike people out there. I find that scarily re-assuring. Appreciated your entry.
comment added :: 13th January 2007, 17:37 GMT+01 :: http://missedexit.blog-city.com/