I admit it, subconsciously I was perhaps trying to take out the fact that I didn’t have my kids with me on Father’s Day on my Dad, I don’t know, all I know is that I was so wrapped up in my own irritation that I forgot to ring my Dad, I kind of remembered it was Father’s Day but it didn’t actually sit with anything in terms of what may need to be actioned. I didn’t send him a card but he won’t be unduly surprised he knows I don’t really do cards but I would normally have called him and I feel selfish and guilty for not doing so. I tried to ring him today but he wasn’t in, this didn’t make me feel any better.

It’s strange today I’ve had an almost conscious schizophrenic like mood, part of the time the depression side really kicks in and I just want to go home and find a corner to skulk in and then I get the other part that attempts to gee my up a bit, it’s fighting a losing battle but I appreciate it taking the time and the effort. This is actually the first day I’ve had this sort of mood at work, usually it comes on in the evening because usually that’s when I start to come alive a bit more so I guess there’s a proportional relation between how my brain is working and how I’m feeling. Today I am feeling quite lucid and that usually means I’m either elated as happened last week I think it was or it means I’m feeling jaded. I do find doing the blog thing quite useful because it keeps me quite analytical about things and often that is the way I ride out the storm until it passes.

I have noticed that the more depressed I am feeling the more I miss the fags, I have been upbeat recently and it has been very easy whereas now that would be my bolt hole to just go and stand in the rain with a cig and just daydream thru 10 minutes. It’s the emotional crutch arguement so as it is I have been furiously chewing on a biro top and getting thru about 5 cups of tea an hour.

I have been thinking a lot recently about what to do in the longer term vis my current residential arrangement, if I choose to move nearer my job within the next 18 months then the University will pick up the tab, this will also save me over £200 a month in costs of commuting presently. This would enable me to actually live just about within my means, it would also mean that I would start to be able to build a life for the first time in a long while. However the impact it would have on my children cannot be underestimated and could be catastrophic. My daughter started to miss me last week because I had to go out on 2 evenings rather than the usual one per week, how can I put her through any more of that it’s not her fault and the damage it might cause could be irreparable after all in my psychological profile that I was telling you about yesterday it said that one of the fundamental reasons for this neurological dysfunctionality was the fact that my parents split up very early. Knowing that means I’d surely be a heartless bastard for inflicting that on my own children and I don’t think that I can do that and look myself in the mirror.

I probably come across as quite negative about my kids, it is far easier to be humorous and flippant about the negative sides of parenthood the positive side is more ethereal and difficult to express to those who don’t already know it, suffice to say that even in my current situation I would not alter the fact that I have them, they make me me and have given me a depth and a purpose for life that I did not have before. It is directly as a result of them that I manage to cling on and keep going. So how can I then turn my back on them and leave?

But if I stay in the situation that I am in now I may blink and find myself 40 and still, at heart, alone and dissolutioned this is not what I had in mind when I looked forward to my life, I wanted a big family with lots of kids and a happy home, I felt I could have dealt with anything if I had a happy domestic environment but of course we presume we will be in control of such matters when we are younger, we presume the no. of kids we have will be a matter of choice not something forced upon us, we presume that we will eventually find the love of our lives and that s/he will feel the same way about us. But it doesn’t work like that, that’s the exception rather than the rule, don’t get me wrong for those of you people out there who feel you have found it and some of you may even be right you are lucky and I’m sure you know it. For the rest of us life is just biology, we live, we procreate if we’re lucky and we die. Why do we presume that life should be any different, we are biological animals, why do we believe that we have a right to any happiness, perhaps we should just learn to appreciate being alive and anything else being a bonus. So that might be a good prescription for generations to come but it doesn’t change things for those of us here now. Life isn’t fair which makes things hard because we have been taught to believe that it should be.

Christ I really don’t feel good tonight I just feel oppressed by the responsibility of living. Physically I hurt all over and mentally I just feel drained, I am flitting from thought to thought and I can’t focus properly on anything.

I don’t know if I should be writing any more it’s a little too raw. Bollocks I need a cigarette. Is this it now, is this what life is actually like once all the furore of puberty and the 20s are over it’s the slow settling fug of mediocrity with only our epitaph left to plan. I’ve had enough, no more, I’m fucking sick of it, the being poor, the constant struggle, the worry about ones kids, the lack of social cohesion, war, famine, plague all the shit going on that isn’t necessary, why because some jumped up ponce in an Armani suit wants to upgrade to the next BMW roadster. ENOUGH, THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.

It’s all summed up far better than I could express it in the song Old Man River:

I gets weary and so sick of tryin’,
I’m tired of living but feared of dyin’

Song Of The Day – Massive Attack & Portishead ~ Teardrop

Original Comments:

palmy made this comment,
i’m sorry you couldn’t be with your kids for fathers day. that’s too bad, but there will be others. as far as the need for cigarettes, just think of the outcome, and how much longer you’ll be able to be with your children, if you stay away from them.
Visit me @ http://palmysinfullbloom.blog-city.com

comment added :: 22nd June 2004, 04:27 GMT+01
coolibah made this comment,
Wow, adult life seems really shit.
comment added :: 22nd June 2004, 04:59 GMT+01
Pimme made this comment,
It’s a hard-knock life, but the bad times just make us appreciate the good times even more.
Don’t take it too badly about what happened on Father’s Day. I’m sure that they know that you love them. It’s just a man-made holiday, after all.

Visit me @ http://pimme.blog-city.com

comment added :: 22nd June 2004, 06:13 GMT+01
Tine made this comment,
I hope you feel better today (((hugs))
Visit me @ http://Tine.blog-city.com

comment added :: 22nd June 2004, 06:14 GMT+01
rayts made this comment,
i noticed that parents become overly sensitive when it comes to special holidays, say father’s day, mother’s day…they expect a lot from their children…which is odd because they too have been there one way or another.
i failed to greet my dad a Happy Father’s Day too, out of a pure nonchalance negligence and I know it pains him that his silliest daughter forgot to greet him on that very special day. Oh well, as I’ve said …there will be role switching later on.

comment added :: 22nd June 2004, 07:25 GMT+01
Shane made this comment,
Baron. I have a 5 year old daughter and can see where you’re coming from but Kids are tough little buggers and i’m sure you’re daughter would rather you were happy than spend her life with you being depressed and miserable. It’s difficult but you have to live you’re life too and i’m sure she will understand. I forsee days out to the park with prospective new mummys in your near future.
There’s no rule book for parents, we write it is we go and pass on the good bits to others.
Here endeth the lesson
Visit me @ http://thegagreflex.blog-city.com

[Redbaron responds – It is precisely this logic that I used to justify my leaving and I hope that my kids will understand, but the subconcious impact who can know, my parents split when I was a baby and I know it affected me, had they stayed together in a loveless marriage who is to say whether that damage would have been worse for all 3 of us.]

comment added :: 22nd June 2004, 13:34 GMT+01
protagonist made this comment,
i have 3 kids and a dead, dead marriage to a man i feel nothing towards. is it better to live an empty life or risk disaster on the road to paradise? tough questions. my kids drive me mad. and they are the three most beautiful people i have ever seen. if i could hand them a world of happiness in which they would never feel a moment of sadness or pain, i would lay down my own life to do it. but i can’t. i can’t. i do the best i can with what i’ve got. as do you.

[Redbaron responds – Thank you – this situation of which you speak I know only too well but I took the Road less Travelled and left, it took months to do it and I’ve been gone 2 years and whilst part of me knows it was right for me the part that fights for my kids is still unsure of what damage I may have done.]

comment added :: 23rd June 2004, 03:46 GMT+01
A visitor made this comment,
Have you read any of Paolo Coehlo’s books? There is one – I think its called The Mountain or something – its based on a biblical story I think but its not a christian tale . . . I somehow feel it would be uplifting for you . . . actually all his books rock . . . and I have a strong feeling that there might be some kindred in there for you . . many many many smokefree hugs to you 🙂
Katherine [nomadicgrace@yahoo.com]

comment added :: 23rd June 2004, 05:24 GMT+01
moog made this comment,
ive read them, he’s quite cool, its all in my left gutter under ‘writers’…i think its ‘the fifth mountain’ that you speak of. some of them are quite nicely ‘different’ 🙂
Visit me @ http://jealoustwin.blog-city.com/

comment added :: 24th June 2004, 22:02 GMT+01