Have you ever thought about leaving? Just packing a bag and going without telling anyone? Maybe what stopped you was the fact that people would notice. What happens if nobody notices? This I think cuts to an inner fear of ours that we don’t matter, how can we admit that if we were to go no-one would care it doesn’t exactly inflate the ego. I have often thought about it, but where would I go and to do what and who’s to say what you go to is any better than what you’ve come from? What’s more it could be worse. After all in the global scheme things I stand in a minority group as being extremely fortunate with my lot. I have enough food, clothes, an education which has enabled me to get a job. I have hopes and dreams some of which I may have a realistic chance of achieving, and then there are so many others whose aspirations may be no loftier than just having what I have because it is as far removed for them as my dreams are for me. Yet, many of them suffer with enormous good grace and courage and moral fortitude and me…. well let’s just say that seems to be beyond me, I wonder if satisfaction is in fact beyond me, if happiness is in fact a construct that either thru’ nature or nurture I am unable to realise.

As regards the leaving thing, I could leave this week and no-one would know, some people at work might wonder if I didn’t turn up to a meeting tomorrow but after that it’d be a week before they’d think it strange that I wasn’t about. The kids don’t get back until Sunday so they wouldn’t know until then, as regards anyone else well, like for most people I suspect it would be all the official stuff that started to notice before anything personal, the bills wouldn’t get paid but that would take a few weeks. No-one I know personally would think anything odd if they didn’t hear anything for a few weeks if then, they’d probably just assume I’d gone introspective again. My mother might twig after a bit but I reckon I could vanish after my meeting tomorrow and I’d have until Sunday before anyone realised I was gone.

Of course this is hypothesis because I can’t afford to go anywhere even if I wanted to and I take my responsibilities as a Father too seriously to ever do that to my kids, but I find it sad to think that we are all so insular now that it is probably the norm to feel that we don’t really matter. I’m not saying ‘woe is me nobody loves me and no-one will notice I’m gone’ what I’m saying is if you take a look at your situation especially if you don’t live with your partner would yours be any different? I hope so because from where I’m standing it doesn’t exactly make you feel especially worthwhile. I mean one wouldn’t want to go the other way and overemphasise one’s significance in the world which is after all infinitesimally small as is our world’s significance in the universe as a whole. Perspective is sometimes a good thing but sometimes you can feel small enough without thinking about your place in the world, when all is said and done the pessimists are right it is a shit world out there and the likelihood is the bad things will happen. If I look at the just the contact with the online world of bloggers that I have had in the last 6 months there have been some horrible tragedies happening to people and you can see the changes in them, these are things that are shaping their lives and their pain is tangible, I’m not going to go into specifics because whilst some of them have blogged the experiences others have not but it basically covers the spectrum of bad shit. Now I would not presume to know most of these people well enough to believe that I could offer any assistance and that in itself is saddening because often these people have precious few people in their own lives who are helping them, there are some who are lucky and their example should perhaps give hope to the rest of us.

Is this us tho’? Is this really why many of us bloggers are here, not for attention-seeking in the spoilt brat sense but because we are alone in our real lives or we feel alone on an emotional level. Are we looking for that tacit acknowledgement that we are not alone in our suffering amongst our own kind or are we looking for an emotional crutch, the hope that the people we really need are out there and can break the 4th wall to become part of our physical lives as well as just a cyber-incarnation?

My brain hurts these last couple of days, my head has felt fuzzy and the more despondent I’ve felt the more fuzzy it gets, I haven’t had it this bad for a while now but it’s been brewing a while so I’m hoping it’s a better out than in principle. It’s not quite as fuzzy this morning so that could be a good omen.

Song Of The Day – The Smiths ~ Human

Original Comments:

rayts made this comment,
i’m sure a lot of people would be concern if you suddenly pack your bag and just leave without having to tell anyone. i’m sure, i’m sure! it’s just that some people have this incapability of expressing themselves more fully.
so why many of us bloggers are here?

i could tell you loads of reason but i could only speak for myself…we are here because people by nature need to “feel”. and we become happy that at some point in time, we are affirmed by what we feel. that even though it’s virtual, we know for a fact that we are not really alone or that we find comfort amidst these strangers who’ve we’ve never even met but could understand our despondency like it’s the most normal thing in the world…

[Redbaron responds – I agree, I think we can find kindred spirits here far easier because we spread a wider net across the world, we are lucky in that respect but it is a shame that so many of us appear unable to find this in our world outside our bedroom/sitting rooms.]

comment added :: 23rd June 2004, 16:10 GMT+01
Rachel made this comment,
i also think a lot of people would miss you if you decided to go AWOL. as far as bloggers. all i can say is my opinion, and i think people have blogs to express their own feelings and opinions where other people who don’t know them can put their own imput. it’s an indirect form of advice or support. that may sound weird, but that’s how it feels to me!
Visit me @ http://palmysinfullbloom.blog-city.com

[Redbaron responds – You are kind Rachel, I think it’s good that we find people who take the time to comment but I still worry it is because the people we encouter daily are within a society that doesn’t value intimacy and contact and this is why we crave it somewhere…. anywhere.]

comment added :: 23rd June 2004, 17:44 GMT+01
protagonist made this comment,
i think about it too.
i’d go to memphis, TN.
visit graceland, home of elvis.
we feel lonely and alone, the protagonists do. this i know although i can technically only speak for the alter ego half.

how many of our actions are constrained by duty? how much of what we do is done because he think we have to, people expect it, it makes sense. is it a question of doing something or not doing something else? this is an arguement against marriage. married people simply choose NOT to divorce. those who live together unmarried activly choose to stay together. i’m not sure if i buy it.

if not for my kids, i could leave tomorrow and go unnoticed for at least two weeks. except by my alter ago.

[Redbaron responds – I am glad for you that you protagonists have one another (I hope you’ll come back into the open blogging arena again at some point in the meantime I’m glad you’re still about) it must be a comfort for you and I hope one day there may be a Red Baron protagonist out there. One of the reasons I split from my ex was the whole marriage thing, I said that I genuinely felt stronger because if I wanted to go I could and so the fact that I stayed was real commitment, she didn’t buy it either, the mess tho’ had we been married -well I’d know your situ from the inside, tho’ at least I’d have rights viz my kids.]

comment added :: 24th June 2004, 00:49 GMT+01
moog made this comment,
hey man, if you are listening to the smiths its no wonder you are feeling a little fuzzy! i think if we werent all alone then we would get really irritated with all the people around us..and end up being alone anyway.
i often think of what would happen if i went AWOL, and i bet nothing would happen at all…i would love to get the wrong bus, just for the hell of it, but i always forget that thats what i was going to do…
dont go too far, id miss you.x
Visit me @ http://jealoustwin.blog-city.com/

comment added :: 24th June 2004, 22:14 GMT+01
protagonist made this comment,
i have heard that arguement before. marriage is deciding not to divorce. not being married means choosing each other over and over every day.
i have other reasons to doubt the value of marriage. legally in this country, the two protagonists could get married but if we were the same gender and fell in love, we couldn’t. that sucks. if marriage is about love, let it be about love. let joy and ann who have lived together for 13 years get married!

there will be. a red baron protagonist, i mean. if the protagonists have learned anything lately it is that love sneaks up on you when you are busy doing dishes.

comment added :: 25th June 2004, 05:14 GMT+01