I am slightly better now, I think, thank you for asking, to be honest I’m not entirely sure whether it has all passed or not but today I have spent so much time rushing about doing stuff at work that I have had a total of no more than 45 mins in the whole day to actually dwell on anything and consequently today has raced by in a blur. I did have my efforts praised in an important co-ordination meeting this afternoon so that made me feel a little better.

I am sorry, no really, I don’t mean to turn my blog into a blues zone every so often but you have to understand that I have now given up being the next Karl Marx so I no longer have to cope with only leaving a legacy of intellectual writings around! I can now therefore write my raw feelings with wanton abandon and damn the consequences. The other more serious point is that sadly I have no other pressure valve to release any of it. I am in a new job and don’t know anyone that well yet so I do not as such have proper friends here. At home, well things are usually fraught enough anyway when I’m at the Ex’s but any outbursts I may have there are generally self-stoking they don’t release any of the frustration of the day or just a built-up mood altho’ they can exacerbate it. Then I get back to mine and my housemate’s all right but he’s not the kind of person I can have a deep chat with. My best mate and I meet up maybe 4 times a year and I hardly see anyone else for one reason or another so what else is there to do?

I look back over the week before last and how I was and wonder how I managed to do it, how did I put things on hold and forget the crap and just be overridingly positive? And how could I manage to do it again? It will come back, in time, I’ll be glad when it does. I find it a great deal easier to live with myself when the slightly naive optimist is in residence he may be a bit of a pillock but he means well.

I question myself sometimes about whether I do this in an effort for attention, I mean there must be an attention-seeking facet in all of us here otherwise we’d be writing this stuff on our own computers and leaving it there or even perhaps putting pen to paper. Is it part of a sharing culture in the sense of airing shit in a glorification of misery? Is it a type of venting catharsis just a way for us to set things straight? Or is it hyped up for show, do we make things more stark because it’ll read better that way? I often wonder at the authenticity of a mood when you are blogging because it could be argued that when you’re down and writing about it you can spiral more so. This current bout of melancholy seemed particularly bad, actually it seemed worse than any I’d had since a couple of years ago and it does make me wonder what brought it on if anything. At times when things are really bad I think about medication, I was prescribed some by my Dr. a while ago, I never got the prescription, I just thought it was a medical cop-out. After all the medication may make things better in the short term by hedging over how you are feeling but it doesn’t change what has brought it on in the first place. It’s like taking tablets for a headache, it makes the pain go away but why are you getting the headache and do you examine this point after the pain has subsided, no you’re just grateful that it’s gone and you get on with your life. But we all acknowledge that pain is a necessity because it is an indicator so dulling it without analysis is just self-denial. I don’t wish to overegg the pudding here I only have blips and can therefore have the luxury of taking a decision like this without it having a seriosly detrimental effect on me or more importantly those around me, but there are many people who have such severe problems that medication is their only course of action, there but for the grace of whatever go the rest of us.

All of the comments people left were gratefully received and some were especially poignant. It is clear to me that it comforts me to know there are a few people out there who understand and who feel things in their lives that are at least akin to what I feel. I still have to make my own decisions for my own life and these are wide-reaching and not pleasant but it is good to know I am not the only one and to bounce things off. The biggest fear of being alone will I hope never be realised altho’ sometimes I do feel it is only this my cyber-existence and the people who look after me here that keeps me from that abyss and for that I will always be grateful.

Song Of The Day – Cardiacs ~ Come Back Clammy Lammy

Original Comments:

CNBGirl made this comment,
my cyber life keeps me from losing my mind… here, i am faceless (to most) but at least they give me liberty to rant… 🙂
comment added :: 24th June 2004, 03:08 GMT+01
Pimme made this comment,
Blogs are great for getting your feelings off of your chest to an objective audience. Sometimes your friends and relatives will just tell you what they think that they want you to hear, but with the anonymity of the internet, people tend to be a bit more honest in their opinions. For those who don’t know where to turn for a shoulder to cry on, the internet usually works.
Everyone is blogging for attention…it’s no big deal. To me, it’s something to do for fun, to hone my writing skills, to entertain people, and maybe make some new friends.

No need for an apology, I bet that it made you feel better to vent, and that’s good.

Visit me @ http://pimme.blog-city.com

comment added :: 24th June 2004, 03:45 GMT+01
Rachel made this comment,
glad to hear your back. i agree with the comment above. blogs are great for that sort of thing. getting it off your chest, with the chance of suggestions or concerns, but in a nondirect way.
Visit me @ http://palmysinfullbloom.blog-city.com

comment added :: 25th June 2004, 01:28 GMT+01