I’m quite passionate about tea, I get withdrawal symptoms when I haven’t had any and if I don’t have a lot of tea in the morning that is so strong you could tar the M1 with it I simply do not wake up.

Now, being Irish, regardless of where I was born or what I sound like, I am more than happy to diss the English at every available opportunity but there are certain things that I consider a little more sacred, cricket, cornish cream tea, oak-smoked back bacon, seaside fish and chips and the most sacred of all -the cuppa. Now when I say ‘the cuppa’ do not mean I am putting all tea made in England into the same bracket, there are people who drink the most god-awful muck sometimes it looks like mushroom soup and tastes akin to dishwater as if the tea bag has been shown to the cup at some point during the brewing process. Do not even start me on the fruit shit, who in the hell wants to drink that it’s the quickest way to hell if you ask me! By and large tho’ English tea is black and strong with a good spot of milk, just enough to make it the colour a good deep sinister brown. If the colour makes you think it’s strong enough to ask you if you want a fight then that’s about perfect. The sort of stuff that comes out strong in a transport caff even tho’ they have had to water it down twice before giving it to you. Red Bull -bollocks, give me a jolt from neat transprt caff tea every time you have to talk to them really nicely to get a full cup neat but the Baron has long hair and can masquerade as a large woman if it gets him what he wants! It’s the effect of a double espresso and you feel like Popeye whilst you drink it!

So anyway when I was reading Neil’s blog about the German java game about towels on sun loungers and it refers to the English not being able to “cook” proper Tea I felt it was only fair to offer some resistance to that libellous remark. After all the Germans are a nation who drink rosehip tea which is like that viscous shit your mum gave you when you had the runs as a kid, then there’s peppermint tea which is like a Consulate cigarette in liquid form or for the non-smokers amongst you it’s similar to just melting down a polo. As if this were not bad enough when they buy ‘proper’ tea they buy shite like Lipton’s or Winston Churchill or Westminster or Houses of Parliament tea, fuck off that’s like walking into your supermarket for some beer and coming out with something called ‘German Brau’ it’ll have cost you 39p a can and be about 9% you’d probably go blind if you drank a whole 4 pack! Furthermore when the Germans get this box of ‘Nelson’s Column’ or whatever the fuck brand it is, they stick it in a bloody coffee maker and let the cold water boil around it. Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh, that’s not proper tea it’s only one step up from mushroom soup, asparagus or golden vegetable or something, one thing it most certainly is not is tea. So on this occasion I say ‘Fie’ to Fritz and ‘bagger orf back to your boiled cabbage’.

Right, that’s the Germans sorted. Then we move on to the real foe……….. the Americans! Oh yes you didn’t think I was going to let you get away with it, I’ve lived in your country, I’ve seen you desecrate this most regal of drinks in the foulest ways imaginable. One particular incident that I do not remember fondly was being in a cafe and having ordered tea was presented with a glass with warm water and a tea bag on the side. I confess it took a good few seconds before my incredulity subsided enough for me to speak.
“What the devil is that?” I blurted,
“That’s the tea you ordered, Sir” the waitress replied.
“Oh no my dear” I retorted upping the social stature of my accent a good couple of notches “that most certainly is not even remotely related to anything that I would have ordered.”
“I’m sorry, Sir” she replied tersely “You did order tea”
“Quite” I said, now realising that I was going to vanish in a puff of pomposity if I proceeded any further down this line of enquiry, I gesticulated at the Tea/Coffee making area and intimated that I wished her to follow. I dunked the tea bag she had brought into the insipid water in a glass and then availed of a coffee mug in which I put a new teabag and poured boiling water over it. I stirred both cups removed teabags and put some milk in, the waitress looked aghast. I then invited her to taste the both. At which point her accent seemed to become significantly more like Betty Boop as she confessed that the one I had made was a completely different drink.

Now this was one example on an occasion when I was looking for somewhere to hang out and I had some time to kill, most of the time I just wouldn’t bother ordering tea in the US because the bloody coffee tasted more like the tea I wanted and I hate coffee. I am ashamed to admit that the worst episode was yet to come and concerned someone to whom I am related altho’ I would add that said individual had resided in the US for some 17-18 years at that stage. The incident involved a cup of cold water a teabag and a microwave and I am saying no more, the memory is seared into my conscious!

To be fair it isn’t only the English who can make a good cup of tea. The Irish have a similar philosophy using similar type of tea, the Arabs have a strong tradition of good butch tea and the Russians, well they know where it’s at, a good cup of Russian caravan will blast the cobwebs out, really chewy smoky texture.

OK so I quite like my tea! Problem with that?!

Song Of The Day – Dodgy ~ Cold Tea

Original Comments:

Jen Tate made this comment,
i ❤ tea. mostly green, though.

[Redbaron responds – Ooh a new person, outstanding, for regular viewers I will point out this is not Jen as in Jen we have met before this is a different less rabid Jen!]

comment added :: 14th July 2004, 03:26 GMT+01
rayts made this comment,
i’m learning to appreciate drinking tea these days (esp. the Chinese tea)…but only when i’m in my parents house. you see, i just can’t take the taste.
[Redbaron responds – Jasmine tea is nice with chinese food or just in the afternoon but for morning stuff it has to be strong enough to kick your teeth in! You are young Grasshopper but you will learn!]

comment added :: 14th July 2004, 07:04 GMT+01
john made this comment,
You forgot to thank our American friends for Iced Tea, Ugh!!!
Visit me @ http://bigjohn.blog-city.com/

[Redbaron responds – I think the advert says it all, the guy drinks Lipton Ice Tea then goes and actually volunteers for a mullet -nuff said wide bloody berth to that one. Iced Tea I ask you, it tastes like a fecking ash tray! I’d rather drink coffee ugh! I’ve had 1 Icetea in my life and 7 coffees.]

comment added :: 14th July 2004, 16:19 GMT+01
mands made this comment,
We should go out for tea sometimes, but I’ll have coffee please
comment added :: 14th July 2004, 19:33 GMT+01
moog made this comment,
i love tea, and i love coffee, and i love green tea, and green tea with lemon, and i make my own mint tea with a bit of basil…mmMMMmmm teas!
Visit me @ http://jealoustwin.blog-city.com/

comment added :: 15th July 2004, 14:55 GMT+01
Bob Red made this comment,
The only thing for it, is to remove all content from you gutter that isnt standard blog city issue.
Then one at a time add them, and review the site after each one. Painstaking i know, but it will find the offending item. Personally, my money is on your counter just above the ‘kernow blogs’ section.
[Redbaron responds – Shit, I had a nasty feeling it was going to entail something like that.]

comment added :: 18th July 2004, 18:52 GMT+01
Rachel made this comment,
i have become quite fond of raspberry tea…quite good. all my hippie friends are all in love with tea, i think they got me hooked.
Visit me @ http://palmysinfullbloom.blog-city.com

comment added :: 18th July 2004, 23:12 GMT+01