For a few days now I feel that there has been a very definite sense of incoming, it’s like the first soundings of the air raid sirens. Whether this is coincidentally in parallel to the demise of the summer weather I do not know, it is of course that ‘tricky’ time of the month financially when the money has run out some days ago and there exists no cogent plan to come up with the rest of what is needed. The fact that I have so far managed, for years, to come up with a plan at all month by month that has staved off financial penury and more importantly prison is sadly no consolation for whilst I have self-belief that the fiscal buccaneer in me has the wherewithal to get me out again, there is always the knowledge that one day he may not and then I’ll be stuck and every month I’m thinking it could be this month. It may be that I just run out of ideas, or things to sell or weeler-dealer schemes to pull rabbits out of ever-decreasing sized hats, or it may be that I try my schemes but this time they just don’t come off. It’ll happen one day, the law of averages says that and I’ve done it too many times to beat the odds ad infinitum.

I’m not saying it’s the sole reason for my almost monthly malaise because sometimes that comes without an implicit financial reason on pay day for example, and I used to get it as a teenager when my monetary worries pales into insignificance by comparison to now. But it is without doubt a strong catalyst perhaps because of the sense of not being in control, I don’t like that sense, I don’t mind being in the speeding bus going a wee bit too fast and almost losing it but only if I know I am marginally under the maximum speed at which I am able to bring it eventually back to heel. Fear is a most powerful master.

Another thing that happens without fail money troubles or no is the increase in ‘creative’ output, ok standards vary but quantity goes up markedly. The interesting thing about having a blog is that you can have things in draft and over the last few months a pattern has emerged as the emotional doldrums approach I can have up to 7 entries or so queued and nearly finished, by a couple of weeks afterwards they have all either been used up or I am struggling to capture the right nuance to enable me to finish them so I then I guess creatively enter the doldrums, it has been an eye-opener for me because I have never had this sort of examination of my output. Currently I hve 5 queued entries. Interestingly I have been more inclined to humerous output this week which is the first time in a while it’s as if I’m burning up energy. The key point is that when it is happening I have to write, my head goes into overdrive and I have to write it down or I can’t sleep. I had to get up at 2.30am on Tuesday morning to write something down and it led to the tea blog.

I don’t know exactly why I sensed it coming days ago but I did and I don’t understand why it took so long but this afternoon I started to get the fuzzy head feeling, only slightly but it’s coming a little more this evening and I suspect it will build up for the next day or so, hopefully I’ll be ok by Saturday, I hate being in this sort of mood when I’m with the children. It’s rather strange almost voyeuristic that I know its coming and I know there isn’t anything I can do to stop it but it isn’t here yet and I can prepare for it, baton down the hatches so to speak. This is one area where blogging has really been quite important, before this I’d’ve just waited for it, dreading like trying to stop yourself slipping down a sharp incline. Now I can think and rationalise and seek to understand it and how it works perhaps in time with a view to managing it better or differently or maybe both.

So there you go, to be forewarned is to be forearmed as it were, don’t say I didn’t warn you, we’ll see how things go shall we. Roll on the weekend. Best laid plans of going to bed early fail again. That’s my blog shift over, the Baron clocks off and hands over to our American BC cousins to keep the light burning until Brett and Protagonist S wake up for their turn.

Song Of The Day – Led Zeppelin ~ Led Zeppelin I (The Whole Album as a single 44m50 MP3)

Original Comments:

Pimme made this comment,
If it’s in your head, get it out and onto paper or on the internet…that’s the only way to get sleep.
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comment added :: 15th July 2004, 04:58 GMT+01
Jen Tate made this comment,
I admire your blogging dedication. If you are having mood cycles, maybe your life needs a change. That sort of thing worries me :]

comment added :: 15th July 2004, 05:30 GMT+01
A visitor made this comment,
Ooh, RB, I’m right there with you in waiting-for-something-to-happen-ness. 😦 Must be the moon phase or summat.


comment added :: 15th July 2004, 11:45 GMT+01
moog made this comment,
i reckon its the moon, im like that too….
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comment added :: 15th July 2004, 13:30 GMT+01
MrDan made this comment,
I had a 24-hour dip into depresso-mode yesterday, but I appear to be fine today (I hope I’m not speaking too soon). I have no idea what was different about yesterday compared with the day before it, or with today. I sometimes see these mood swings coming, but the odd one still takes me by surprise.

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comment added :: 15th July 2004, 18:55 GMT+01
mands made this comment,
The good thing is that I dont feel depressed at all today.
And I have been for the past two weeks.
So I can hug all the ones that feel like so.
Doing shifts is not that bad after all*


comment added :: 15th July 2004, 19:43 GMT+01
Rachel made this comment,
ah, well, as long as we’ve been warned. 🙂 sorry ’bout the fuzzy head feelin’.
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comment added :: 18th July 2004, 23:16 GMT+01