So why did I write the last post? Simple, the very reason I went away for a bit (Yes, Blue Poppy I understand completely) was that I felt stuck in a situation that whilst I enjoyed was not allowing me to express everything. By everything I mean all of it, the raw stuff, the affairs du coeur and well as du tete(Yes, I know there’s a circumflex but I don’t know where that is on the keyboard and the French is rather pretentious anyway so why make it worse!). I went away because there were things I wasn’t prepared to blog for fear of looking like a fool and I didn’t want to look like that to the people with whom I talk to regularly on this blog. The rest of the blog-divers and such like I really didn’t mind, I’m sure there are enough instances of me looking like a proper Charlie.

So, yesterday tested my resolve that since coming back I would try to be more honest, otherwise what is the point? I mean, would you write a diary and only put nice fluffy things in? Well, ok some people might but my memory is too good to allow me to get away with anything like that and I’m glad because I want to remember it all. This, after all, is how we grow. If it opens me up to criticism then so be it, I’ve had that before, even recently and I can cope with it, many people do not agree with me and many more do not even like me, them’s the breaks, there are others that do and it is important to recognise them and nurture your friends rather than waste time worrying about whether you can change your enemies. Yesterday I felt it important to say what was going on for it will undoubtedly colour the way I am in the coming days/weeks and it is important for any reader to have that context. I was not looking to curry sympathy or for some glib quick fix and so far the 6 comments I received on the blog were made very much with the right frame of mind and they are appreciated as such. If I alienate people with some of the more melancholic rambling then I guess that’s something I have to reconcile, you cannot please all of the people all the time and to be honest it’s enough work pleasing any of the people any of the time. And when all’s said and done my blog isn’t about pleasing people, it’s about the journey that is me, yes there may be an element of my reaching out for accompaniment on that journey but if I have no companion the journey still goes on and I do so alone.

I do think that my postings regarding money over the next few months may shed some light to show people what can happen when you start to get in debt and if I can stop one person from making that mistake then it has been worthwhile. If I can survive it there may well be a modicum of triumphalism in it because at the moment either the tunnel is very long or there is no other end, and who is to say if I see a light it is not going to be a train coming the other way to mow me down! I am trying to make light of it because the 2 extremes are all I know and the alternative is likely to rear its ugly head again in time. Truth is I don’t feel I ever really failed big time before, I had this self-belief that I’d always find the answer, that things would be ok. Not for the first time I begin to wonder if that ideal is well-founded. But perhaps for the first time I genuinely begin to doubt whether I will actually be able to extrapulate myself from this one. There is no doubt that I have got myself into this mess, my cavalier attitude to money and life over the last 20 years has set the foundation, not that I’ve ever really had much money, but what I have had I’ve spent in a carpe diem sort of way. I did try to get a handle on it a while ago but sadly at the time the maths didn’t add up -there simply wasn’t enough coming in to sort what has to go out, it depressed me so I gave it up and stopped looking at the figures. I am perhaps still at heart the classic financial buccaneer, a kind of lower middle class Del Boy who blags his way out of trouble with a bit of the old patter. And I managed it again yesterday, just, but it was too close and I only sorted one thing out and the rest mounts up like an ever increasing wall to climb. I’m tired, I’m tired of having to think up new and inventive ways to dig myself out of a hole, I guess I’ve just reached the time when the ideas pot doesn’t have any ideas in it anymore. Maybe I should consider myself lucky that it lasted this long, or maybe I should just not have become so dependent on being able to get myself out of the shit and started figuring out a way of not getting into the shit in the first place. Any idiot can say wise things, and even i have been known to do so sometimes, but enacting them… that’s still more of an art I haven’t nearly mastered yet.

Song Of The Day – Lloyd Cole & The Commotions ~ Cut Me Down

Original Comments:


MrDan made this comment,
You might alienate some people but the ones who are left will be drawn closer. Quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friendship. I don’t practise what I preach either. I wonder if anyone does?
MrDan

Visit me @ http://alien.blog-city.com

comment added :: 4th September 2004, 02:46 GMT+01
haywood made this comment,
Yea your last blog got me thinking, My site has drasticly shifted from it’s original form. it used to be about me and my life, as it was originaly tittled “The life and times” but some how it was transformed into what you see today, I was just talking with marcy, and we were disscusing what would become of my blog after the election, if bush is re-elected i will be blogging from canada as a given, but, i don’t know… I applaud you for your last two entries, carry on my waywerd son!
haywood

p.s. sorry if i seemed only self intrested there, I know the axeman well and it resonated.

comment added :: 4th September 2004, 05:05 GMT+01
Lynne made this comment,
(((((RB))))) That’s all, nothing to add. Sometimes we just need a hug.
You let it out mate. I’m just off to do the same.

L

Visit me @ http://raingoddess.blog-city.com

comment added :: 5th September 2004, 02:37 GMT+01
A visitor made this comment,
hey twin, you know i’m all for blogging about personal stuff – i think it’s quite therapeutic. i love how we’re fairly anonymous online, yet we can share the most private things.
and damn right, your blog is only about you – not about pleasing people. so write your heart out. i’m definitely around to read it and cheer you on.

and i know it’s not the best of times for you but i have a feeling you’ll be just fine.

love & hugs.

sarah [sarah.a@gmail.com]

comment added :: 5th September 2004, 16:01 GMT+01
Jimmy Sunshine made this comment,
RB I’m not one to let on what goes on in my life, hence a fairly insubstantial blog, all things considered. Therefore, I’d be grateful if you could delete this when you get to work in the morning

This Jimmy Sunshine comment is on a Redbaron Pay-Per-View basis. Please contact your supplier for details of our payment plan.

And you really must delete this comment in the morning!
Take care,
Jimmy

comment added :: 6th September 2004, 02:28 GMT+01
Pimme made this comment,
Nobody’s perfect. And, it’s nice to have the support of friends when you’re going through a rough time.
Visit me @ http://pimme.blog-city.com

comment added :: 6th September 2004, 13:31 GMT+01