Now I have to say based on the quantity of my recent output, much of it here albeit not yet published, based on some form of introspection I am beginning to wonder if there is a distinction between self-awareness and self-obsession.

The subject in hand relates to the fact that one of the many dreams I had last night involved death, not altogether in a nasty way it was just there, [ha cheese you didn’t succeed this time!] regular readers will know that Mr Death and the Baron have an uneasy understanding, as long as I don’t think about him he won’t stalk my every move giving me near death experiences and the like, but if I do then I’m fair game and he can shit me up a treat for an undefined period of time!

The introspection that this particular occasion triggered was one of ‘what’s left’? I mean the legacy of what you leave behind. I mean most material possesions aren’t worth shit in that scheme of things not in a personal way they could belong to anyone and after you’ve gone they probably will. All our memories are gone although we sort of live on in the memories of the others with whom we have come into contact, a stay of execution before being fully expunged from the great scheme of things. So what is left that relates to you when you break it down? Well not a lot really, for those of us who have children we can at least say in that respect that we have left an impact on the world but I would like to think that my kids will be making an impact on the world for what they themselves are doing not simply the fact that they were left here by me. One of the things I want most to avoid is that trap of living vicariously through your kids, I can’t think of anything worse. This is why my kids will be locked up until they are 34 that was my daughter cannot go courting and neither of them can be channeled into me trying to make them what I always wanted to be. Ok I concede it is a drastic solution but an effective one I think you’ll agree. I mean they’ll only be under house arrest it’s not as if I’d put them in the cellar or anything barbaric!

So, in many ways, this is what it breaks down to – writing, something intimate and unique, something that no-one else can do for you, that may perish in the instant it takes to hit delete or for a computer to crash or for the papers to be thrown away or something that may survive for years, decades perhaps, even generations, a little piece of authenticity, of immortality, something to show those who come after us that we were hereif only for a short while. It may never be read, it may never be intended to be, it may be unearthed by a relative in generations to come with the glee that accompanies the discovery of the hitherto unbeknownst.

Of course a crucial question here is does it matter whether you leave anything behind? Well, not in the scheme of things no, in fact one could say that the more shite left behind the less space there is for anyone else and therefore it isn’t especially unselfish. However humans like to be up their own importance, I mean the whole God thing is an extension of that, humans believeing that surely they are so important that their existence here has to have a higher purpose. Interesting then that I don’t believe in God but do feel the need to leave my grubby little mark, like a kid really, just an ‘I woz ‘ere’ somewhere for someone to come across and wonder who I was and what I did. Yes, it is ego, naturally, but then this is part of what drives us, it;s the self-advancement. What I want to do is not to suggest that I am in any way better than anyone else, far from it, I just want people to know who I am. I’d love like a distant descendant of mine to just uncover some stuff on me and dig around to find out who I was, that kind of thing interests me and I’m interested how it might happen in years to come. “Hey Mum I found this old metal thing knocking about” “That’s an old family heirloom, it’s called an 80GB Hard Drive they used them for data years ago before they had chip implants.” “Cool, what’s on it?” “That has all the writings of your Great Great Great Great Grandfather, he was mad you know.” Etc.

Song Of The Day – Red Hot Chilli Peppers ~ Universally Speaking

Original Comments:

Rachel made this comment,
Good entry. I find that although we want to save everything to pass down, by the time someone comes along that would find or recognize what it is that is so old, it doesn’t mean much. And although it might be an ‘antique’ that doesn’t mean anything to the person who’s family it once meant so much to.
Visit me @

comment added :: 26th October 2004, 01:53 GMT+01
A visitor made this comment,
Basically, I don’t worry about that. Maybe it’s a man thing, because I’ve only ever heard it from men. That’s not to say that I don’t have fantasies of my writing being found and becoming the basis of a new religion some millennia down the line, but it doesn’t bother me that that’s unlikely in the extreme. :o)
Kristie []

[Redbaron responds – That’s an interesting point, I’d be very interested to see what the gender corrolation was to something like that. Whilst I do like the idea of being the next Karl Marx I am realistic enough to know that isn’t going to happen. I would however like to be discovered later by a descendant if it could be useful to them, I think the idea of bringing interest and pleasure after you’ve gone is a nice one.]

comment added :: 26th October 2004, 19:01 GMT+01
A visitor made this comment,
yeah, i agree with kristie, it’s quite possibly a male thing. in fact, i’ve noticed that men are far more keen on having children often only because then they’ll have someone who’ll carry on their name and so they’ll be leaving some sort of a mark or legacy.
it would be really cool if someone appreciated what we wrote, said or did in our life, once we’re long gone, but to be honest, if i’m dead, i wouldn’t really know or care, would i?

i’d still die, unsure about whether i’d be appreciated after i’ve hit the bucket. honestly, i’d rather get the appreciation in my lifetime.

sarah []

[Redbaron responds – Of course you’re quite right, once you’ve gone that’s it so it doesn’t really matter, it’s only speculative but it interests me, perhpas as a man I don’t really know. Appreciation in one’s lifetime would obviously be nice, but rare.

As for the children thing that’s definitely a very serious point. I can safely prove it isn’t what drove me but I can’t deny there is a small sense of self-importance that I will at least live on in the memory of my kids when I’m no longer here. Of course in our patriarchal society it will be men who feel that whole name thing etc., I wonder if any anthropologist has studied how this differs in matriarchal societies.]

comment added :: 27th October 2004, 13:17 GMT+01
A visitor made this comment,
If we want to discuss the gender differences, I would add also that I think, generally, women are far more attuned to natural cycles. For women, I think, life is a series of spirals…things start and end constantly. Whereas for men, who don’t live with these natural cycles within their own bodies, life is a line, or rather, a line segment, finite. When you understand the life-death-life cycle on a cellular level, maybe the death part seems less frightening…it is the way of things. Just a thought.

[Redbaron responds – If you have any way of making death frightening I’ll pay you good money!!! Scares the b’Jesus out of me!]

comment added :: 27th October 2004, 19:33 GMT+01
A visitor made this comment,
kristie, that’s an awesome observation! very true.
you never fail to amaze me:)!!

sarah []

comment added :: 28th October 2004, 15:50 GMT+01