I’m grateful to my new blog diving acquaintance Gabriela for providing the inspiration for this post, not to mention being the first new person in the blogosphere with whom I have interacted for some time.  It is always nice to receive inspiration for something from other’s viewpoints and directions.  I have always maintained that I am reactive generally, I cannot create new as such merely stamp my own colour of things on those that already exist.  In this regard, as well as many others I take my lead from the very great WH Auden who said “Some writers confuse authenticity, which they ought always to aim at, with originality, which they should never bother about.”  That is good enough for me.

/preamble

Gabriela’s post was on her alter egos, the facets as defined specific personalities in their own right that make her up as a whole.  This is not, as many still seem to think, anything to do with schizophrenia, look it up should you need to!  Anyway the post immediately struck a chord as I have for some time characterised myself in terms of the very different mood sets in a defined time period that seem themselves often diametrically opposed.  I had thought at first that it was a definite polarity with the two ‘beings’ but there may be more to it than that depending on how granular you choose to look at it.  Certainly there are more than one if choosing to accept the premise, and it interests me so I thought I would explore it.

Me

Fairly obvious, the de facto occupant as t’were, the commander of the unruly force within etc. etc. various mildly humorous analogies yada yada.  I am not too extreme a person, at least not in my opinion, I have passionate views, some might say dogmatic, but I believe in things that treat people as of equal value whilst recognising the myriad assortment of differences between us all.  I feel justifies in being dogmatic about that.  I have a fair few foibles, as anyone does,I am aware of a great many of them and I would assert that my heart is in the right place.  I am all too aware that I am not always consistent, that I don’t always practice what I preach but then I would challenge anyone else not to be the same.  I want to live life reasonably full and need sometimes a little prodding to help get there.  I am not as self-confident as I very often need to be, especially in certain circumstances, when I am comfortable and amongst friends I can relax, if I get too relaxed or if I am amongst a large group of people I don’t know He comes out.

The Baron (often referred to as Him – mainly because of Dom Deluise’s dual personality character in The Cannonball Run which both amused me as well as having a little resonance!)

The Baron is everything in the outside world I wished I was all the time (though this would bring it’s own problems.)  The Baron can hold court, talk upon a wide variety of subjects as if well-versed in all of them.  He comes across as confident, erudite and a social butterfly/pompous arse – depending on your point of view.  He can get women to fancy Him (at least He thinks He can!) with His quick wit and cavalier linguistic style.  He looks like me but doesn’t act like me.  He does not need or crave the approval from others, He feels that to a degree He has already attained it and has enough self-confidence that if He has not then He will win people over in the end.  Herein can lie the problem, there are times He hears but does not listen, He looks but does not always see, it is almost itself a pretence, no it is exactly itself a pretence, a mask behind which I may hide.  Not a mask I am aware how to control though.  It is not arrogance I should stress that, it is as if the self-confidence I might have had from teenage years had things gone differently had evolved as a separate person not hampered by the chattels of .

The Father

I am a father but not always a ‘real’ father in the sense that my children do not live with me.  As such sometimes decisions which would affect them are not taken in the context of them actually being there.  There are occasions that the father steps in and makes the correct and rational choices but at others he isn’t quick enough or is suppressed by the stronger darker character.  I am not satisfied with my performance of a father and I think this is probably a good thing, were I to be so I would not be trying to do more and that would be a far greater crime against my children.  Being a father is one of the things of which I am most proud and my children are the things of which I am most proud.  Given the circumstances of their upbringing they are remarkably well-rounded and this has far more to do with them than it does with me, however through them I can take some vicarious credit.

The Melancholic

My nemesis, short-termist, pessimistic, addictive personality.  The melancholic is not in control of the darker sides and is subsumed by them and the less attractive characteristics that goes with them.  He needs constant validation, assuaging, emotional quenching validation, an insecurity that is almost bottomless like a whirlpool into oblivion, it has destroyed much and many and carries on as if never sated.  In the absence of the neutralising validation it turns to short-term external factors such as sex, food, clothes, unwise purchases, anything that breaks the tedium of “normal” the mundanity that eats up the time in great gulps, the parasite of time.  This abhorrence of the everyday, the middle ground, should spur me to look to achieve greatness and probably die trying, better to have flown and be shot down in flames than to stand on the ground doing nothing.  But it is not like that.  The melancholic sits idly, over-analysing, sniping, demeaning the achievements of the other character facets both backdating and foreseeing.  He is the arms attached to my ankles holding me back, making walking forth near impossible, the constant temptation to give in and rest a while, have another go later makes him stronger and so much goes by the wayside because of his indolence and inactivity.  The not wasting a moment by doing anything that makes the time go faster.

Of course one has to be careful not to disassociate responsibility of the deeds of one from the sum of the whole.  This is all me and facets thereof, it is not as if I do not have any control over these aspects of myself, at least not outside the deterministic side of life anyway.  To understand one I have to understand all and this is not always easy, however the understanding is but the first step because I am good at cerebral activity that involves none of its physical counterpart, this is analysis it feeds my interest in understanding whilst staving off the ambiguity that I detest.  When I can tackle the physical side I may well begin to make progress and leave some facets behind whilst empowering the ones that have a positive impact.

Song Of The Day ~ Atomic Rooster – Devil’s Answer