Category: Humour

It’s been a bit of a shit time all in all Chez Baron and there are political rumblings currently in draft at the current atrocities going on in the Middle East and the media shutouts around the world.  However in an effort to raise spirits a little before wading back into the genocidal mire I decided to have a look to see if there had been any other uncovering of some of the weird and wonderful album covers such as I had milked for some mileage some time ago.

Lo and behold:

[Start here for a recap of Volumes 1 – 5 if you wish].

Alice In Wonderland


The Lyn Murray Singers And Orchestra – Alice In Wonderland

Well this is a good place to start – I mean what the hell is going on, there’s no doubt that the Mad Hatter and the White Rabbit are planning something in that teapot and it looks like Alice knows exactly what it is she’d better hope they are just Jihadists wanting her as a hostage!














The Gentlemen Four – We’ll Be Seeing You

Outsourcing really is de rigeur these days and Death has got this small firm to take over the running of things for him whilst he takes it easy for a while.  However unlike a great deal of outsourcing companies who are just in it to provide as shite a service for as much money as they can glean it looks rather like the gentlemen here will pursue their work with some zeal!


strip to hits













Yep I have to say this one may well be right on the button I think I can state with some impunity that stripping was not on the mind of the Bee Gees when they wrote ‘New York Mining Disaster 1941’ and ‘You’re Having My Baby’ really is going to be quite a passion killer, though I think you could work with ‘The Imperial March’ and if you can’t get double entendre mileage out of ‘Born Free’ then you really aren’t trying!















Heino is back, you knew he would be, remember him, of course you do, he’s been haunting your dreams hasn’t he?!  However this is the new smilier Heino, he seems happier now that he has successfully bumped off his mother though it looks as if he lost his right arm in the process and was forced to replace it with that of a chair.  I still don’t want him round for dinner that smile suggests that he isn’t stopping just with mother and that he has merely obtained a darker pair of glasses as a better disguise.














The McDonald Sisters – I’ve Got Confidence

And I’ve got my doors locked and the police on standby!


wayne miami












Wayne Cochran –  Goin’ Back To Miami

Seriously Wayne really don’t do that, the place has changed man, it’s not your kind of town anymore they won’t understand your brand of sartorial expression, they’ll string you up, or worse they’ll douse your hair!














Sam Sacks – Sing It Again, Sam!

I am prepared to wager good money that ‘inimitable’ is not the first adjective that would come to mind when listening to Sam’s probably unique butchering of your favourite hits.














Foster Edwards Orchestra – What’s Next?

Ok you got me I cannot begin to imagine the answer, trouble is I’m really not sure I even want to know, a leopard on bass, wildebeest on rhythm guitar, it surely can’t end well!














Børud-Gjengen – I Farta

Most people at least try to keep it to themselves, is the older boy a bully pushing the small kid toward the stench in an attempt to woo the flatulent girl or is he trying some sort of corking arrangement on the stinky little toad?



Cody Matheson – Can I Borrow Another Feelin’?

Look familiar? No, Cody hasn’t weathered very well has he?!  After his lengthy stay in the penitentiary Cody came out a little more savvy, ditching the Village People moustache and growing the mullet to end all mullets.  Note he is still using the same MO to try to come in to your home, you should still keep the doors locked and well away from the windows!














‘Twas The Night Before Bronson

Indeed, the night before Santa Bronson came in after a burglar and shot your dog, the tree and one of the kids.  Merry Christmas!

Song Of The Day ~ Ultimate Painting – Ultimate Painting




My blogging comrade Big John – himself going for the same decade as I have been – recently posted on the occasion of his 75th birthday about how things had been ‘in his day’ as opposed to that which is available (to children) now.  It got me in comparison mode so I decided to put another yardstick in giving how the world was in my childhood.  You have to bear in mind I was in Chelsea (when it still had council tenants) so what we had was in many respects streets ahead of those living outside ‘the smoke.’

Anyway John’s formative years involved the following:

  • Television .. Just the BBC on the radio wireless.
  • Telephone .. The nearest one was two streets away on a shop counter.
  • Computers .. Great fun was had playing games in the street.
  • Motor car .. If a tram or bus didn’t go there, then, neither did I, unless I walked.
  • Bathroom .. A scrub in the kitchen sink or a tin bath by the fire.
  • Toilet paper ! .. I won’t go into detail.
  • Fast Food .. Only fish and chips. ”Bring your own newspaper”.
  • Holidays .. Abroad ! Where was that ? .. Well, maybe a day by the sea.
  • Supermarket .. or “Can I scan your ration book?”
  • Refrigerator .. Only a daily walk to the shops by my mum.
  • Central heating .. Just open coal fires, even at school.
  • Shoes .. Oops ! .. No .. Sorry, I got carried away for a moment, so I’ll …

As opposed to a man in his 70s I was a child of the 70s and things were different, we had moved on, evolved, advanced with almost wanton abandon, things were thus:

  • Television .. Only bought when I was 13 and so my grandmother could watch the news, took up half the room in a wooden cabinet and 3 people to lift! Just two BBC and 1 ITV which I wasn’t allowed to watch because adverts were evil (this is quite correct of course!) Oh and it didn’t run in the morning except for schools programs and it didn’t come in the afternoon until 3.30 with Play School. It then shut down after the late film at around 11 and the National Anthem played! What’s a colour TV?

[Channel 4 came along in 1982 – it was such an event people took time off work to watch the opening… ceremony would be a bit strong, it started with Countdown one of the most sedentary gameshows ever!]

  • Telephone .. The nearest one was two streets away in a red phone box – queues down the street on a Sunday before dinner and hoping you had enough 5p coins to beat the pips!

[Later when we moved out of London in the 80s we had a 3-digit phone humber!]

  • Computers .. just came in – Yellow River on the BBC involving Xs or Spectrum cassette tapes which took hours to load and made a noise like a fax machine.

[I got my first computer in 1998 it was an Apple Powerbook Duo 280c and the snazziest system I had ever seen!]

  • Motor car .. Trams? Bloody luxury, we didnt have them in my day.  It was the No. 11 bus to school I had or a 20 min walk to the nearest tube station at weekends.

[I didn’t learn to drive until I was 28 and that was for a job.  I don’t exactly feel the richer for it, though my 27 year old car is cool!]

  • Bathroom .. Hot running water but an outside khazi still very much in evidence in the terraced housing, we had a separate toilet indoors in our flat for a while but when moved had to share a bathroom with the people above!

[Outside toilets were a nightmare, in the Winter it was bloody freezing and anything could be lurking in there and frequently was!]

  • Toilet paper ! .. Unlike the Big Man I will go into detail – shiny on one side and ripped your aris to ribbons it did. Izal – I’ll never forget it, I saw some on sale not so many years ago, heaven knows what idiot still buys it.
  • Fast Food .. Still only fish and chips. Newspaper provided! We did have an ice cream parlour – yes “parlour” but it was the Fulham Road you know!  In the very early 80s we went ‘into town’ to a Nepalese restaurant in Euston – it was the most exotic thing we had ever done or eaten in my life.  I still visit as and when I can.
  • Holidays .. Calais, we were cosmopolitan and my Grandmother lived in Kent!
  • Supermarket .. What? We had the grocer, the greengrocer, the butcher, the baker and knew them all by name. They’d give my mother a little extra because she was on her own and they liked my smile! (Tried that at Tescos and have another 6 months on the Anti-Social Behaviour order!)
  • Refrigerator .. I got to go on the daily shop with mother!
  • Central heating .. Coal? Ha you’ll be lucky, miners are on strike and all the powers off!
  • Shoes .. So many choices, Clarks or Start-Rite!

If there’s anyone else who wishes to reminisce either here or on your own page then I’d be interested and perhaps amused about your decade.  Feel free to share.

Song Of The Day ~ The Rifles – Shoot From The Lip

Spit Or Swallow?

Before we go any further I would like to state categorically that I have used the title entirely in a benign coquetishness and not at all to open a discussion on one’s sodium intake.

“Not only does one drink wine, but one inhales it, tastes it – and then talks about it.” – Edward VII

I only started drinking wine in the Spring of 1993 when after clearing a table in a restaurant in which I was working I happened upon half a bottle of an inexpensive Macôn-Villages. The manager said I could have it, I was 21 and working in a restaurant I wasn’t proud! Since my only experience of wine up to that point had been supermarket hock that was occasionally brought to the family home at parties by well-meaning but viticulturally-ignorant guests my palette was not especially refined. After the Macôn-Vill I decided that I liked wine. The manager seizing on my new youthful zeal put me in charge of sorting out the wine cellar and ordering wines where applicable. For those who’ve never been in a proper wine cellar you should, even if you don’t like wine it is a unique environment, where the nature of things is often defined by the amount of cobweb and dust an item has built up. The cold damp musty smells that signify the correct conditions that anywhere else in the house you’d have the damproofers in straight away. It has a historical feel like somewhere out of the 19th century, somewhere that you sort of assume is an unwitting surprise discovery each time you open the door. And then of course there is the wine itself. There is something about a bottle of wine that lends itself to mystique, the coloured labels, the exotic names and locations from which they come, the price tags on some, the perception that only posh people drink it, the fact that you can age it so that it’ll taste different and then after all that until you open it you never quite know what you’re going to get.

I mean lots of people like wine, but unlike most of them I was paid money to like wine for a while. I even remember some of that while, which is perhaps an indication that I didn’t like wine nearly as much as I could have done! After the restaurant I got a job in an off-licence which with a wage packet and 15% staff discount on the alcohol which made me both occasionally more popular and very frequently drunk whilst at university. During my time at the offy I got to host wine tastings which was a quite pleasurable social event and if managed carefully can lead to quite a trolleying later on when the “remnants” of the bottles used have to be disposed of. I recall a particularly entertaining Sunday evening when having closed the shop the manager and I proceeded to get bolloxed on a “few” dregs of a particularly fine Cabernet Sauvignon. I hasten to add this was at least marginally speaking on our own time, to have charged the company for both the wine and the time to drink it would have been churlish, I have standards of decency!

The highlight of the job was a trip to the International Wine Fair at Olympia. This is, so far as I can see, the premier event in this country for winemakers, distributors and retailers, it is a veritable vintnerial delight and I got there early so as not to miss anything! Basically each winemaker sets up their stall with a number of wines to try in the hope that you may buy some. The fair takes place over 3 days and some of the winemakers have themselves comes from the countries in which they work as far afield as Australia, South Africa and Chile. In all honesty I had gone there expecting to find out about wines and perhaps get the odd free sample or two having never been to such an event before. What I was unaware of was that on the third day, which was the day I went, provided the wineries had managed to sell sufficient contracts to the big players to justify their visit they could relax a little, be more chatty and enjoy things a little more. They could afford to be a little more generous, word of mouth is a good way to get known and even a lonely sales assistant can spread things around their shop and beyond. Since at the time I worked in one of the more only salubrious areas in SE London I did indeed have some influence over the buying habits of those with a bit of cash to spend. Hence by lunchtime I was decidedly shaky on my feet. This was a scenario which was not going to end well, the prospect of being carried from the venue into an ambulance to have my stomach pumped did not appeal especially and neither did missing out on the tasting of all of these wines!

There were cuspidors at every stand and a great many people with big noses were using them frequently, usually in a manner that seemed to maintain their pomposity, no mean feat when you are spitting something out. I had always hitherto spurned the cuspidor, not simply because I was too common to spit, nor to do with any dipsomaniacal tendencies I may have had but because to me part of the process of tasting a wine is how it goes down the throat and the length of it on the palette. It is true you can get some of this from sloshing it around your mouth but I didn’t, and still don’t, believe that you get the same experience as you do when drinking the taster properly. All that being said at the stage of being several over the 8 by lunchtime the likely conclusion of my going home with so many wines untested seemed a shame and the cuspidor became suddenly an item of use. I had something hearty to eat and went off spitting with wanton abandon. Ok not in every case I’ll grant youn aturally there had to be some form of floor limit to this since I was unlikely to get a chance to drink wine that was either extremely old or more than £50 I decided that it would be foolish not to have what I could of these on the one time only basis. This strategy worked and I spent the rest of the afternoon getting only slowly pissed and being able to hold sufficient conversation that I had a long chat to Leska de Wet, wife of South African winemaker Danny, who subsequently presented me with 3 bottles of wine that I had tasted and enjoyed and told me that they’d had a good festival and were delighted that I had enjoyed their wine. In addition to this I got some dregs of a 1971 Burgundy, which was I confess a little past its best, the bottle of which I retain on my bookcase. And so dear reader I hope I have illustrated that a cuspidor is not merely for decorative purposes or to indulge big-nosed idiots to feel like they’re in touch with the spit and sawdust pub visiting commoners. I like to think that the big noses themselves are also only doing so to avoid themselves getting shit-faced, perhaps their financial threshold of wine to swallow is a little higher!

What the wine festival did was expose me to a large number of wines of all sorts of grapes, blends, countries etc. and the biggest advantage of this is that when I go to an off licence or more frequently these days a supermarket (where now the Threshers, Wine Racks, Bottoms Ups, Unwins and Oddbins of old?) I can pick a wine that I am most likely to enjoy and likewise take something to a party that won’t be that bottle that sits around for months until the hosts forget who brought it in the first place and bring it back to a party of yours. Even this is hit and miss, I might like one vintage and not the other, whether or not you notice that a vintage has changed you’ll still notice if it tastes different and if ever a wine you like suddenly takes on a twang you don’t remember that is probably exactly what has happened.

In the early days I thought the wild and fantastical adjectives used by people such as Jilly Goolden and Oz Clarke such as tasting like ‘hollyhocks’ and ‘a horses saddle’ were entertaining from a linguistic point of view were nothing further than pretentious tosh. Part of me is not convinced that may not still be the case but I confess as I have tasted more wines the nuance in tastes has meant using a wider vocabularly to define them because as you get beyond what was then the £5 a bottle mark and is probably now the £10 a bottle mark the depth and definition of a bottle of wine does vary a colossal amount. I have indeed now tasted a wine that tasted like chewing leather but oddly not in an unpleasant way, I cannot prove this to anyone unless you tried it yourself but bring me a bottle of Chateau Musar 1991 and I challenge you not to find the same (as a point of information you can pick up the 2004 for a mere £17.99 and the 1989 will cost you the comparatively small sum of £75 – when you think this means someone else has stored it for you for more than 20 years that isn’t bad). Of course I don’t know whether the other vintages of Musar taste the same as the ’91 so bring a couple of bottles of those for comparison too!

Wine tasting is an incredibly complex business and I do now have genuine respect and admiration for the level of detail which some people can pick up out of a simple swig, I used to be able to tell the specific grape, provided it wasn’t a blend, I could often tell the country and very occasionally get the year to within two or three if it was less than 10 years old. However to tell the exact year, the level of blend and even the Chateau from which it comes shows not only a laudable capability of memory but also one of being able to quaff a biblical amount of wine. And here is the only difference. If you listened to an music album in not too long you would know what the songs are and even a lot of the lyrics, were you to listen to another you would have the comparison to determine more definitively the style of the band and personnel whilst retaining your information of the previous album you continue to build up knowledge of the new song names and lyrics. By a third album you would like as not pick up any change in personnel and begin to chart whether this was the bands older or newer style, if you find out the year you could start to determine their influences and all the time continue to add to the song and lyric information you already hold. By the time you have listened to all of the albums by that artist you would a line of text be able to tell the song, who sang it, which album it was from, what the year was, what the make-up of the band was, what there influences were at the time and perhaps even snippets around its recording. All this would have come from continued exposure to the artist building a database of information in your mind of each minute specific as to the makeup of the whole. So it is with wine.

However exactly like music, you can be able to define all this to the nth degree, you can know all there is to know about the grape, the vintage, the chateau, the slope at the chateau, etc. etc. at the end of the day you still might not like the taste and this is the whole crux of the argument, When you choose a wine you have to choose one you like within your budget, it doesn’t matter if you like a 1982 Chateau Margaux at a hefty £1200+ or a bottle of Chilean red at £5.99 just so long as you like it and can afford it. You might think that £1200 is a stupid amount to pay for a bottle of wine, I might as well, but then we haven’t drunk a bottle of 82 Chateau Margaux so it is impossible to say whether or not it is worth it. I do remember when I first tasted a bottle of wine that was twice as expensive as the norm and tasting immediately the difference, if that is replicated up the financial scale then the Margaux is likely to be the nearest thing to a liquid orgasm this side of a Pan Galactic Gargleblaster. The trouble is the more different wines you try the more you search for the ones that were the nicest and the less likely the cheap and perfectly cheerful wines will appeal (they are often great in the cooking!) there is no returning to the acceptable you are ruined it just doesn’t measure up in the same way. It’s rather like contentedly listening to the Dave Clark Five until Led Zeppelin come along and blow your mind, there’s no going back to Dave Clark it just doesn’t cut the mustard. Very difficult to match a wine with mustard, possibly a nice Chianti if you were interested!

Song Of The Day ~ The Dubliners – Seven Drunken Nights

The Undesirable Incumbent

[Based on a true story!]

I walked into the cubicle
to do what I must do,
little did I expect the sight
of someone else’s pooh.

It lay there looking at me
as I stood and looked at it,
I really shouldn’t have to deal
with someone else’s shit.

So flush you say, flush it away
be held not in the trap
of staring blank and helpless
at someone else’s crap.

I tried my friends I pulled the chain
once, twice and then a third,
but could not rid the bloody bowl
of that someone else’s turd.

It hits me should I leave now
I risk looking like a fool,
perceived as perpetrator
of the someone else’s stool.

You can see just how I’m stranded
that the net is truly strung,
caught by the fear of being blamed
for someone else’s dung.

As I pulled myself together
reality hit me with a thump,
I must extricate my presence
From someone’s dump.

Thinking furiously
I came upon the notion
of stuffing in reams of loo roll
to cover someone else’s motion.

On exiting the stall forthwith
I had my first stroke of luck,
there was no-one to connect me
with someone else’s muck.

I ran back to my office
all aquiver I confess,
having dodged the dark brown bullet
of someone else’s mess.

I tell this tale of caution
so it’s not the same for you,
that you find you’re at the mercy
of someone else’s number two.

I hope that those who’re out there
whose toilet habits may be slack,
will realise henceforth the suffering
caused by someone else’s cack.

Forward planning’s all important
now that I’ve seen the light,
to avoid any reoccurrence
of finding someone else’s shite.

Were you to ask for my opinion
I’d say find out the cleaners rota,
so you may be spared the anguish
Caused by someone else’s floater.

Else pay thirty pence of silver
to use a public loo,
where at least you can complain
upon finding someone else’s pooh.

Song Of The Day ~ Toploader – Achilles Heel

It still never ceases to amaze me the sort of stuff that is out there, scary, weird or just plain shite. They have amused me for some time and this is probably the last selection I will do. Go forth my children find the crap that is out there and publicise it for wider ridicule!


Eulenspygel 2

Everything about this is just wrong wrong wrong! I could make a comment about out of the frying pan…etc but frankly I just feel ill and breakfast is looking considerably less appetising!


Orion – Reborn

Bless his little cotton socks, he’s trying so hard to be “reborn” but in all seriousness Orion isn’t fooling anyone behind that camp mask and equally camp pose, I mean wearing that ensemble it could only be one man. Been a while since we saw partings that low too!

Swampp Dogg 2

Swamp Dogg – If I Ever Kiss It, He Can Kiss It Goodbye

Another offering from Snoop’s Dad proving that like father like son he ain’t going for none of that homo shizzle!


Boned – Up At The Crack

Bit of Morning Glory going on for Boned here, that’s got to chafe a bit, and you ain’t getting that back inside those tight strides


Stryken – First Strike

Ah the 80s where men weren’t afraid to dress in spandex even if it made them look like dodgy wankers! With the benefit of hindsight, Stryken probably wish that they’d been on strike when it came to making the album cover.


The Handsome Beasts – Beastiality

Yer man certainly isn’t looking to feed the pig, he has other things on his mind and the album title leaves us in no doubt as to what this is. The fat hog looks pretty pleased with himself and the pig seems quite up for it too.


The Handsome Beasts – 04

The Handsome Beasts again, yer man has got a little older, and presumably shaved his beard so as to escape the cops and farmers who be out for him, he’s still a bit of a pig fancier, tho’ he’s developed a bit of a habit (sorry!) for nuns in lingerie now and I think if he tries anything saucy on the doberman he’ll get more than he bargained for!


Heino – Liebe Mutter

[Shudder] Heino is a very very scary man. If I were his Mother I’d be very very afraid, you get the feeling those roses are likely to be the last thing she sees. For the non-German speakers the blue sticker says “A Present For The Whole Year”. This is not a consoling statement.


I really don’t need to step in here do I?! It’s how Paddy is ascertaining just which are the dogs he’s singing for that concerns me!


Elliot Lawrence & His Orchestra – Music For Trapping

There was after all a surfeit of your bog standard serial killers in the 60s, but Elliot was a pioneer and in the 50s there seemed to be a gap in the market for decapitation and mounting. Something of an amateur chemist Elliot perfected the procedure known as botox injections in order to preserve the smiles on his victims.


Fundamental – Erotic Terrorism

Erotic terrorism was a new one on me but Fundie’s got a big weapon and he’s looking for an opportunity to use it.


Music To Light Your Pilot By

It’s a gas! (Sorry!). Dave Lee Travis here got hold of the wrong end of the stick entirely and his missus who’s been freezing her arse off since the heating went off has just bloody had enough and is going to throttle him with his scarf.


Chicken – Coup De Ville

Nice to see some of the shortlisted guys for the Darwin awards spreading their career net out. Chicken here had the hairstyle and the politics right, but when it came to the pink car with a French name the locals regarded him as something of a homo and potentially a book-reader and he was run out of town. Last seen clearing tables in an Alabama Theme Restaurant in San Fransisco.


The Stanley Johnson Orchestra – Have Harp, Can’t Travel

What a bunch of lads eh, that Stanley Johnson lot, they’re a hoot, ‘course Paddy O’Shaunnessy here didn’t see the humour, he was under the impression that his role in the percussion group was to play the triangle until he turned up for the tour bus to find he got what was left.


Milk Man – Deerhoof

Obviously since Pac Man work has dried up a little for the ghost population they’ve been forced to resort to desperate measures, but I think the market for games machine violent fruit porn is somewhat limited!

Song Of The Day ~ Arctic Monkeys – From The Ritz To The Rubble

The Original Dodgy LPs

Sixth Dodgy LPs

Your Score: Anarchist!

Holy Shit! You scored 209!

See, I told you you could do it. The state is a crutch of those with a weak mind/heart, but it’s not for you, that’s for damn sure. You already know that structurelessness starts out chaotic but returns to a state of normalcy and order naturally, so I don’t need to explain that to you. Go forth, libertarian socialist, equalist, anarchist, and spread the good news of true freedom.

Link: The Are You An Anarchist Test written by panarchistx
You scored as Anarcho-Communist, Anarcho-communists seek to build a society based upon a decentralised federation of autonomous communes and a moneyless ‘gift economy’. The movement first emerged in the late 19th century and has had a large influence particularly in Spain, Italy and Russia. Key thikers include Peter Kropotkin and Errico Malatesta.









Christian Anarchist




What kind of Anarchist are you?
created with

You scored as Communist, You are a great person and you fight for real justice. You are a true comrade. We truly are friends.













Communist, Fascists, or Other?
created with

Hurrah! I feel pleased, I made it past 30 and far from watering down my politics it appears to have made me all the more rabidly left-wing, which personally I see as a good thing, after all Uncle Karl didn’t go all capitalist pig-dog in his old age did he?! There are a couple of things that are left to iron out, like that very worrying 13% capitalist in the last test, it’s a cancer and must be cut out! And what the hell is an Anarcho-Capitalist, how the feck does that work?

Song Of The Day ~ Martha Wainwright – Bloody Mother-Fucking Asshole

And The Newsroom Goes Silent!

I damn near spat my tea out I was laughing so much. Someone either has a very evil sense of humour or that geezer isn’t reading the news anymore!

Song Of The Day ~ Scanners – Lowlife


Jimmy Jenson – Understand Your’e Swede… – And therefore allowed, nay obliged to make grammatical mistakes. Jimmy’s returned home, don’t ask what he’s got in the bag, but the family are a child  down!

The Addicts Sing – Lively bunch of lads the addicts, make sure you pay them for their time or things might get nasty!

pooh man

Pooh-Man (MC Pooh) – Funky As I Wanna Be – I’m getting the distinct impression that MC Pooh is not so named on account of his great love for AA Milne. That being said since he does look like he’s being born again literally, anything is possible. That has to hurt though he’s a big lad!


Herbie Mann – Push Push – Ah now, if Herbie speaks to MC Pooh there I get the feeling he may well be able to push push that flute somewhere inventive.


The Love And Terror Cult – Lie – Those of a nervous disposition look away now, bugger too late. Now would I be right in thinking that there’s a great deal more terror in the cult, the lie in question therefore being the love in the title of the group, someone call Trading Standards, don’t look into the eyes seriously  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!


The Best Of The Singing Postman – Thank Christ this is the best of, can you even imagine what we might have had to listen to on Postie’s debut album?


Mike Adkins – Thank You For The Dove – Yeah thanks for the sodding dove, it shat everywhere, here you can have it back now. Peace, I’ll give it a fecking piece of something. Pull!


David Ingles – Satan Has Been Paralysed – David aka “The Horned One” doesn’t appear to recognise the irony of his own set design, either that or he’s currently too paralysed to do anything about it.


The Amason Twins – Hallelujah – The Lord’s Coming Again – Halle-bloody-lujah, you’re joking those are the shittest Amazons I’ve ever seen, I mean there’s no attention to detail at all. It’s like looking at the Fat Proclaimers. If I were the Lord I’d be coming to shut Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee up once and for all.


Little David And Family – I Feel Like Travelling On – You can’t really blame Little David for dying to get out, look what the fuckers have done to his hair, he appears to be attempting to violate the little girl in the last vain hope that they might at least send him to borstal.


Red Foxx – Wash Your Ass – Leaving aside the obvious question of how Redd imagines the cow is going to wash its arse what I want to know is why he wants the cow to wash it, what the fuck has he got planned for it that requires that level of sanitation…? Oh sweet diddly fuck no, not that…

Song Of The Day ~My Bloody Valentine – Only Shallow

Those companieros from my old Blog-City days may remember a series I started on dodgy album covers. I wrote 2 entries on some of the weirdest and scariest covers out there No. 1 and No. 2 and yet there were many that didn’t make the original cut, and since I’d had to look at them and endure the ensuing nightmares I didn’t see why you should get away scott free! So here’s my 3rd offering:

Something Special From Jeff
The original Dr. Hook, a lot of people missed Abu Hamza’s short-lived pop career before he went on to radical Islam. However Hamza decided that he’d have to drop the name Jeff if he was to be taken seriously.

Music For Half-Assed Friends
Yeah, fuck ’em, half-arsed bastards, quite right too.

Gerhard Polt – Leberkaes Hawaii
Gerhard was keen to prove he wasn’t just a ham actor and bring home the bacon. Sadly because of the nature of the decapitation for the album cover opportunities became scarcer for the headless Gerhard, who was described as being somewhat wooden.

Jim Post – I Love My Life
Jim wants you to come and play, he likes watersports and the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche.

Mike Terry – Live At The Pavilion Theatre Glasgow
Sadly Mike only did the one gig at the Pavilion Theatre Glasgow, the locals didn’t take to his particular brand of entertainment and an unpleasant scene ensued.

Cex – Actual Fucking
It in fact this picture that made Tron guy think he might one day get laid. Cex’s subtlety in their name and the coyness of the album cover was ruined by some berk at the record company deciding the title should be called Actual Fucking.

CX Kidtronik – Krak Attack
Kidtronik decided when someone said his music was a bunch of arse to make something of a theme of the fact.

Demolition Doll Rods – There Is A Difference
Indeed so, vive la deferens!

Mecca Normal – The Observer
It’s true to say Mecca is anything but normal, but she is watching you…

Whirlwind Heat – Types Of Wood
I think you’ll find dear that is the wrong type of wood to do that to, you’ll get nasty splinters you see if you don’t.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for equal opportunities but I can’t help feeling that not having any hands may be a quite genuine physiognomical impediment to playing the organ, at least if one is to render any tune from it.

karatist preacher

Mike found that his way of breaking the communion bread was a popular novelty, people still complained it was a bit too gritty and difficult to swallow.

christian crusaders

The Christian Crusaders are a flamboyant and charismatic bunch and if you don’t adhere to the message then the lad will sit on you.


Cody claims he’s just come to borrow a feeling, DO NOT LET HIM IN YOUR HOUSE!

Song Of The Day ~Longpigs – Far

Dodgy LPs

Further Dodgy LPs

Fourth Dodgy LPs

Fifth Dodgy LPs

I read Inigo Wilson’s Lefty Lexicon and the subsequent discussion. I cannot say I found it riveting, or amusing or even contraversial. it seemed rather like the sort of conversation I would expect a reminiscing group of old-Etonians to have. Wilson, a Community Affairs Manager for UK telcoms company Orange showed a rather bigotted sense of humour, he clearly likes the sound of his own voice, or in this case the look of his own words and the conservative acolytes leaving comments sounded more like Beavis and Butthead discussing global politics than a sharply satirical swipe at all things leftist. It became quite clear to me that Wilson doesn’t actually seem to have much of a grasp as to what leftist really is. The one piece of amusement that there was pertained to the fact that he has since been suspended from his job pending an investigation. There has been an outcry from many regarding Wilson’s right to say what he wants without censure and even many of the liberals have cited Voltaire etc. However I think the most pertinent fact is that Wilson has shown a complete lack of compentence for his job and whilst one could cast aspertions as to the interview process that didn’t weed him out in the process as an Orange customer I have to feel that perhaps now a better qualified individual may be appointed as a result of Wilson’s removal.

I decided to write my own lexicon a Tory Terminology if you will, to see whether it was, as in the case of Inigo Wilson’s an exercise that sucks all the humour out of the writer. I shall leave you to be the judge of whether it is or not.

  • A – Americawhat we want to turn this country into; Adam Smitheconomist, wrote lots of stuff which backs up anything we do; AnarchySystem where the unwashed black-clad teenagers and unemployed take over.
  • B – Back To BasicsConservative Party BDSM study group; BritishUnambiguous, non-hybrid, nationality and identity.
  • C – Corporate responsibilityHair-brained lefty scheme designed to make companies less efficient by worrying about ethics rather than profits.
  • D – DemocracyNecessary evil by which ‘our people’ can continue to govern whilst giving the semblence of choice to the great unwashed.
  • E – Euroscepticismour parents and grandparents fought wars against Johnny Foreigner you know; ElitismI get to take first because I was born in a big house, then it’s Hastings-Prosser because he comes from a posh family, you can have your turn later because you were born in a council flat; EmpireThe good old days of the ‘We Rule It’ map of the world.
  • F – FascismLabel we’re always tarred with, which can’t be true because that Hitler chappy led the National Socialist German Workers Party so clearly they were all a bunch of sausage-munching socialist peasants and foreign to boot; Futures market Method of economic speculation on things that haven’t happened yet based on known factors and predictions, and nothing like a planned economy at all; Flat TaxA taxation system whereby everyone pays the same amount regardless of earning, sounds vaguely familiar; Free MarketSystem by which we are free to impose whatever import tariffs we like on our market in order to prevent foreign goods from competing with our own producers;
  • G – Green IssuesPollution, what pollution? Look I use unleaded fuel in my BMW X5 you know; St. George Patron saint of England, born in Godalming, Surrey; GreedIntegral part of human nature and the reason Communism can never work.
  • H – Human Rightsa left-wing conspiracy designed purely to allow proles to sue their betters.
  • I – Individualismforcing people to go against humans group mentality to work against rather than with each other. IslamophobicA perfectly rational mistrust of a group of darkies and towelheads who believe in a God with a principle prophet and gather together in buildings and sing and chant stuff from their holy book, I mean have you ever heard anything like it? Immigrationmeans by which foreigners decide they’re bored in their own country so they’ll come to abuse our welfare system because we are a soft touch.
  • J – JerusalemCity built in England’s green and pleasant land believed to have been somewhere near Basingstoke though the exact location archaeologists haven’t discovered yet, gave it’s name to a city in the Middle East.
  • K – Karl MarxBearded Victorian era buffoon always quoted by lefties whose writings none of us Tories have actually read, because he was a Kraut and the books have big words in them;
  • L – Left-Wingany political theory not to the right of Thatcherism
  • M – Multi-Culturalisma deliberate attempt to subvert our glorious British culture with foreign influences, we don’t need foreign influences, we call an entrepreneur and entrepreneur and have our own cuisine like Chicken Tikka Masala. If you want to come over here then you fit in and accept our culture like the Celts, Romans, Anglo-Saxons and Normans did.
  • N – NHSA drain on the funds of people who have BUPA and don’t need public healthcare anyway; National Service Bring it back, didn’t do any of us any harm, the occasional forced buggery is character-building stuff, and mandatory for the Navy;
  • O – ‘On your bike’ what do you mean you don’t have the same opportunities? Oilmmm, lovely oil; Old School TieThe method by which through no individual merit we can get jobs with other alumni from our alma mater.
  • P – PrivatisationSplendid scheme by which we sell things that people already own back to them at a huge profit and make them pay even more for the service thereafter; Poll TaxSystem by which everyone is charged the same amount regardless of services received and ability to pay, not to be openly supported again until we can come up with a name for it that doesn’t hark back to Mrs T. (See also ‘Flat Tax.’)
  • Q – QuangosA way for disgraced party members or friends and family to have a nice little earner without doing any work.
  • R – Renewable EnergyLeftist plot to deprive philanthropic oil companies of their profits RacismUsed against us spurriously, we have nothing against Johnny Foreigner provided he stays in his own country and doesn’t come here and take our jobs and women.
  • S – Special Relationship – The conservative policy whereby whoever is in charge sticks their head so far up the US Premier’s posterier as to have brown shoulder blades let alone nose; South AfricaA country whose economy was performing perfectly well until the status quo was changed due to some politically-correct leftist cabal; Social CohesionHas the word social in it, like socialism so it can’t be a good thing can it?
  • T – Terroristalready defined by George W. Bush, anyone who doesn’t agree with our Western neo-conservative right to control their country; TaxConspiracy by which money is taken from good people to pay for foreigners to have houses and nice jobs and free healthcare.
  • U – UNOrganisation mostly of foreigners that doesn’t always have a Pro-US stance and therefore must be Communist; USSRCommunist state monolith that all lefties aspire to create only serving to prove that the leftie system doesn’t work.
  • V – VictorianThe golden age when we ruled the world and only had one other political party to contend with and they were almost as right-wing as us… wait a minute…!
  • W – Workerslarge number of people who speak with some unintelligible dialect that because it isn’t received pronunciation we won’t bother listening to; Welfare StateMeans by which the bone ideal avoid doing any work.
  • X – Ideas on a postcard please
  • Y – YTSWaste of money, spell in the army would do them good.
  • Z – SeeX

Song Of The Day ~ U2 – In God’s Country

Original Comments:

Danny the Infidel made this comment,
Well, Kamrat Baron. Not everyone can be as Red, Radical and purely Revolutenary as you. Somr of us, including Mr Inigo Wilson, surely are not as a great proleteriat poet as you.

comment added :: 9th September 2006, 20:12 GMT+01
ComradeDave made this comment,
Do you mind if I use this for the Carnival of Socialism #9? I found it highly entertaining!
-Comrade Dave

comment added :: 24th September 2006, 22:50 GMT+01 ::
Rachel made this comment,
Miss you. Hoping my computer will let me post this comment…
comment added :: 3rd October 2006, 00:23 GMT+01
Ozair made this comment,
Are you the same red baron on fm89!? then again i dont think you are… 🙂
comment added :: 8th October 2006, 18:14 GMT+01
Jimmy Sunshine made this comment,
Long time no see fella, all ok in the people’s republic of putney?
comment added :: 16th November 2006, 11:29 GMT+01